Woke up feeling OK. I was still a bit off because of the medication and the anesthesia. I took my last dilaudid at 6pm the night before and was a little torn around wanting more. Yea my sponsor says it’s totally normal for an addict to want to use drugs. Me I didn’t want to use I just wanted enough of the drugs in my system so I didn’t have to feel pain. OK I guess I wanted to use :). It’s all about justifying and rationalizing. Our literature talks about how we created “plausible but untrue reasons for our using…” For me in active addiction I just got sick of making excuses and just used-all of the time.
It’s been a long time, 10 years, since I used so now I’m back to looking for excuses. Nevertheless an addict, me, with drugs in my system has little defense against the disease of addiction. But that is when then ULTIMATE WEAPON comes into play: another recovering addict. I called my sponsor and he helped me get back to reality before I used and fucked up my clean time along with my life and probably the lives of all of the people closest to me.
Sarah came over and we had a nice day together. Went out to eat and she helped me go grocery shopping and the it was back home to watch more LOST. She helped me so much in these past few days I’m so grateful and love her dearly. It is really nice to have someone in my life that cares about me and loves me too.