It was pretty cold today and I did a lot of walking in the cold. I like to walk in the cold. I just plain like to walk. I got home today and had no heat. I got pissed because someone turned off my pilot and I don’t know how to turn it back on. I really don’t care about the heat, but I am pissed about the pilot. The same thing happened last year and I had to ask someone to turn the heat on for me.
Now I don’t want any heat I just want to suffer in the cold because that is what I deserve. I deserve to freeze to death and die. I was walking over the Charles river on my way to the meeting and I was looking in the river. I thought of jumping in the river (I was on the Mass Ave bridge). I thought of how cold it would be. I wondered if I would survive. I thought of how terrible it would be to be trapped under the ice. Or to be just far enough away to not make it to sure. Even a small distance in cold water would be hard to swim. All of those thoughts made my stomach drop.
I am angry. I have been on the go for a few weeks now and need some time to relax. The problem is I won’t allow myself to relax. I am always telling myself that I need to do more. I should write, I should this, I should that…It never ends. Gotta workout gotta learn gotta eat…blady blady blah.
There is always tomorrow…