I was sitting on the john taking a shit when I noticed that people could see me. As I sat on the toilet I recoiled in fear. I didn’t want to leave the bathroom and that is when the priests came and told me I was taking too long. I was in a church and they (the priests) were trying to convince me of something (that I was taking too long). Whatever that all meant. All I know is my mother was there and we were on our way to my friends tattoo parlor so that I could get inked.
Oddly enough my friend Lisa was a tattoo artist and the shop was right in the church. When I walked upstairs I noticed my mother was already there and for a moment I felt bad that I made her wait that long (hey I was taking a shit). Anyway Lisa was behind the counter and didn’t seem very happy to see me but then she said “Don’t mind me I just woke up.” and something else about her stuff.
I distinctly remember her pointing to a harley davidson logo but apparently it was one of her tattoos. She also showed me one of those wierd dolls with the frizzy neon orange hair that looks like Don King…
Well I made it through the day without having a cigarette. I am pretty happy about that…And while I obsessed about work today and try to seek validation through my job and the people in it I realize that I can make it through anything.
There really are not any reasons left for me to use. I used them all up. I am just happy that at some point I always seem to get out of my own way and choose to recover.
Just for today I am thankful for that…
God. No heat again last night. I woke up this morning and noticed the VOIP phone was working. I tried to call my boss to let him know and it didn’t work. Well he would hear me and then hear music on hold. He flipped out and thought I was trying to piss him off. Then I get pissed off because he won’t talk with me. Now work is fucked up. No it isn’t. They fucking need me. I am valuable. Sure I can be replaced but I am a damn fucking good working someone they would suffer if they were without. I know that about myself and I don’t need half-assed validation from anyone. I am fucking useful.
So in this stupid situation he thought I was trying to piss him off and then did what he could to piss me off. The moral: Don’t call work on your day off.
God I want to smoke. Please help me to not smoke today.
I was standing in a room with Steve. He was just sitting there and told me he relapsed. I finally came clean and told him I had too. I didn’t know why he was there or where the hell I was but as I was leaving I realized I was in Acushnet, one of the places I grew up. There were rocks on the road and I had forgotten my shoes. I went back inside to get something to put on my feet because I knew it would be cold in the morning, it was always cold in the morning.
Steve asked me if I talked to the landlord I told him I hadn’t he said that I really should. I was pretty confused and didn’t know how to get back in. He was just sitting there watching television.
I was with a woman I am not sure who it was, but I was trying to impregnate her. It was really wierd there was something more there but I can’t remember. I woke up before the possibility of procreation and took a leak.
Dreams mean nothing more than we want them to mean…
It was pretty cold today and I did a lot of walking in the cold. I like to walk in the cold. I just plain like to walk. I got home today and had no heat. I got pissed because someone turned off my pilot and I don’t know how to turn it back on. I really don’t care about the heat, but I am pissed about the pilot. The same thing happened last year and I had to ask someone to turn the heat on for me.
Now I don’t want any heat I just want to suffer in the cold because that is what I deserve. I deserve to freeze to death and die. I was walking over the Charles river on my way to the meeting and I was looking in the river. I thought of jumping in the river (I was on the Mass Ave bridge). I thought of how cold it would be. I wondered if I would survive. I thought of how terrible it would be to be trapped under the ice. Or to be just far enough away to not make it to sure. Even a small distance in cold water would be hard to swim. All of those thoughts made my stomach drop.
I am angry. I have been on the go for a few weeks now and need some time to relax. The problem is I won’t allow myself to relax. I am always telling myself that I need to do more. I should write, I should this, I should that…It never ends. Gotta workout gotta learn gotta eat…blady blady blah.
There is always tomorrow…