The Mail

I was sitting in a car and I was suppose to follow my Father and another man. We were pulling out of Roy Street and that I realized I had to mail a letter. I pulled up to the mail box and watched the other man take a left hand turn. I was searching through my pockets for the letter I was to mail, but I couldn’t find it. I was pissed. I realized they were getting away but there was nothing I could do about it.

My alarm went off.

My Father called and asked where I was and I told him that I was looking for a letter to mail. No matter how much I search I couldn’t find the letter. I was so angry in the dream.

My alarm went off. I smashed it with my hand and then I woke up pretty angry.

Feeling Better

I am feeling a bit better. I don’t know. I have been going to meetings, asking for help, talking with my sponsor. All of that stuff and I suppose it has been working because I haven’t used. It is really sickening at times when I realize that I don’t have to get high no matter what.

I am not going back to that way of life. Using everyday all day with no breaks is not easy and is no way to live. Just for today I have a choice and I choose to stay clean.

Lets get a lot.

As he handed me the needle that was filled with heroin I asked him if he had HIV. He said no but he did have Hepatitis C. I took the needle from him, thought for a second, and believed that there was a chance I wouldn’t catch it. Before I knew it I felt that pin prick and there was a needle hanging out of my arm. It was in an odd spot, not near Grand Dad, but much more to the right. It was really deep and I thought well I must have hit something with the needle in this far. I pulled back, noted the blood filling the syringe and pushed forward.

Man did it feel good. My whole body changed, temporarily, pins and needles, that cool warming feeling that seems to make me be for so long.

The next moment I was staring at this person and said “OK. Lets get a lot.” I was all in yet again caught up in the pain of active addiction.

It is always the same in all of these dreams, when I do use, it is about getting more and more and more and more and more and more. There is never enough.

Gus Van Sant’s Last Days

Creepy, scary, lonely, sad, angry, and bitter. This movie brought up a lot of emotions for me. It started out with anger and resentment but then that transformed into sadness and fear. There isn’t much dialogue but so much is said throughout the film. What the fuck can you say about addiction? What can you say when someone is so cut off from the world around them? Nothing. You either wait until that person decides to not be cut off or wait for them to die.

Long shots. Really slow. Very relaxed. Gotta go…I really liked the scene with Blake in the tv room with the boyz 2 men song playing in the background and then a close up of the video. That scene made me feel really uncomfortable.

Last scene three driving in car on their way to LA. I re-felt the toxicity of getting clean. The dirty air waking up sick. Ugh. My stomach rolls.

Everydayness

Consistency is a bitch. I set out to write everyday and I am keeping my promise but it is a pain in the ass. The day was going so well I was getting things done and moving along but it was all stripped away with one phone call. Nothing bad happened but I pulled out the bat and started beating myself up. I surrender. It really is my only option otherwise I will just spend all day trying to fix all of the things I think are broken in my life. I just really wish I knew why I react the way that I do to certain things.

I shared about my issues with faith at the meeting tonight. I am glad I was honest about what I was thinking and how much it is scaring me. Sigh, I guess sometimes I am just going to feel like a piece of shit it is just the ebb and flow of life. It really isn’t a big fucking deal because you know what? The fucking day is OVER! See you on the otherside…