For those that don’t know I am letting my hair grow again. Anyway I had this dream last night which sort of threw me for a loop:
Somehow I got video imagery of myself when I was using. So I was watching myself sit in a chair (all fucked up) and I had really long hair. The woman that I was with for some reason I think it was Donna said that she taped all of her boyfriends and if she got to six tapes it was really bad (wierd).
Anyway Kate was there and we were up to our old shenanigans (sp?). The really odd part was that as we started to screw around I noticed she had some extra equipment. It didn’t freak me out since at that point I know the movie I was watching was a dream (fucking wierd), but when I woke up I was pissed and felt very very strange.
More proof the subconscious mind is just a mixed bag a fruit, or worse the sum total of a garbage disposal that has been run a few times.
I was cool seeing myself with long hair… 🙂
I have been slacking again…The whole reason I set up this site and this journal was to motivate myself to continue writing. I don’t know what it is about me that just wants to screw around with things and not actually do anything. I spend so much time tuning and tweaking things that I never get around to writing.
Take for example this moring: I thought to myself I have to write this morning before I get ready to go to my friends house. Simple thought, simple action, but noooooo. First I have to install the Tiger administration theme for WordPress which only takes about two minutes but then I get sidetracked reading someone elses journal.
I have been interested in WordPress themes. I am going to continue to play with themes and at some point write my own. There are a lot of great themes out there but I really want one of my own. Something special that caters to me and me only :). I say that in jest becase I know there will be someone out there that will like it!
I have been eating like a champ. I have to limit how much I am eating before bed since it makes for wierd dreams and rolls on my stomach. 🙂
I was sitting in a car and I was suppose to follow my Father and another man. We were pulling out of Roy Street and that I realized I had to mail a letter. I pulled up to the mail box and watched the other man take a left hand turn. I was searching through my pockets for the letter I was to mail, but I couldn’t find it. I was pissed. I realized they were getting away but there was nothing I could do about it.
My alarm went off.
My Father called and asked where I was and I told him that I was looking for a letter to mail. No matter how much I search I couldn’t find the letter. I was so angry in the dream.
My alarm went off. I smashed it with my hand and then I woke up pretty angry.
I am feeling a bit better. I don’t know. I have been going to meetings, asking for help, talking with my sponsor. All of that stuff and I suppose it has been working because I haven’t used. It is really sickening at times when I realize that I don’t have to get high no matter what.
I am not going back to that way of life. Using everyday all day with no breaks is not easy and is no way to live. Just for today I have a choice and I choose to stay clean.
As he handed me the needle that was filled with heroin I asked him if he had HIV. He said no but he did have Hepatitis C. I took the needle from him, thought for a second, and believed that there was a chance I wouldn’t catch it. Before I knew it I felt that pin prick and there was a needle hanging out of my arm. It was in an odd spot, not near Grand Dad, but much more to the right. It was really deep and I thought well I must have hit something with the needle in this far. I pulled back, noted the blood filling the syringe and pushed forward.
Man did it feel good. My whole body changed, temporarily, pins and needles, that cool warming feeling that seems to make me be for so long.
The next moment I was staring at this person and said “OK. Lets get a lot.” I was all in yet again caught up in the pain of active addiction.
It is always the same in all of these dreams, when I do use, it is about getting more and more and more and more and more and more. There is never enough.