Slice of Life

Surgery

Sarah and I woke up and headed into MGH around 7:30. We got there and were processed pretty quickly. I was in a gown and in the back room awaiting surgery by like 10:30. At least we got to sit together until 11:45 when the came in to give me pain meds (fentanyl and versed) and move me into the OR. It was really cool: They brought me into the ER and then had me move onto this X-Ray table with a little doughnut thing for my head. I got comfortable and then they gave me “Oxygen”. After about five or six breaths I was unconscious…

I woke up crying and in a lot of pain. My ankle was killing me. More pain meds and a strong desire to just check out of the show…The pain started to lessen as the drugs took hold…Soon I was in another recovery room with a nurse getting papers ready and processing me out of the hospital. Luckily Sarah was able to be there with me so I wasn’t alone.

A little food and some throw-up later and we were on our way home…

Justify

Took the day completely off. I needed a day to let my body return…I did go to PT and then came home and watched lost most of the day. It was great aside from the fact that I miss my girlfriend…

Missing Pieces

Man. Sometimes I just think that I’m broken. The gears just don’t work right, there isn’t enough oil…This are going fine and then BOOM it changes. For me this generally results in some sort of manifestation of obsession. I’ll sit there and spin my wheels and just feel like total shit about it. I fucking hate the disease of addiction. Sometimes I wonder if normal people feel like this too.

How is it possible to feel so connected to someone and then feel like that person doesn’t like you anymore? Where the fuck does that come from? Even when you have solid evidence on the contrary? Things start to break down. I think to myself: Why am I doing x is it to get a response? Is it because I truly want to do it? I start to analyze everything and it increases the obsession.

I just want to be myself.

If that means I’m clingy and needy well so fucking be it. I know that I’m not those things but I can be sometimes. Hell we all can…

I need reassurance. I’m afraid to be vulnerable. I’ve been hurt. Most of all I don’t want it to be taken away from me. How many times has it been now that I’ve trusted and lost? How many times has it been that I’ve been trusted and left? I can see now that it works both ways and it is hard for everyone involved. It never pays off to build walls in defense but it is even harder to tear the bricks down as they start going up.

How do you communicate honestly feelings of fear?

8/31/2011

6

Oh man I was so tired for this class. I got plenty of sleep but I was just dragging. The students were not really awake either. I did my best to pull things together but I was dragging. I had to rush to end the class on time.

8

Went in with a good attitude and focused on saying the dialogue. It went much better than 6am but my tiredness got to me a few times. When I noticed it I just kept pushing forward. There were a few times that I forgot the words simply because I was spacing out.

10:30 – 12

Not sure how many back bends I did but it was somewhere in the 20’s

12 – Tomo

Holy shit this was a hard class for me. I thought I was going to die because of the heat. The standing series was fine but the floor series was just torture. I was so drained and tired.