It seems like there is this point and whenever I get to it I fuck shit up. I really don't know how else to say it. I feel like I am getting closer. I'm in it and I'm doing my best and I don't want to fuck it up.

It is so funny...Before I started writing this it felt like I had something so heart-felt to say. I felt like I really had something to say, but I guess it is just like one of those sneezes that never come.

You never really know where your lessons are going to come from or who your teachers will be on any given day. While I know this isn't earth shattering news I'm amazed at just what I can learn if I decide to listen and participate.

One thing I remember from childhood was having to wait for adults for everything. A particular experience I'm not fond of was waiting in the mud room for my babysitter to open the door for me to come into the house. I spent so much time waiting for an adult to tend to me and I always tried to be a good boy.

Well I suppose my insight isn't amazing but it certainly causes dread...I'm just giving up with respect to women and the potential to spending my life with someone. It is safe to say most of my life is over and I've spent a good portion of that alone. Being alone for so long has changed me and while I know I can still change I realize now that I don't want to.

After the triathalon we went and got some food and then headed back to the campsite. The plan was to hit up Livermore falls a great swimming hole with lots of places to just into the water from. I had been there one other time with Ken, but I wanted nothing to do with jumping into the cold water. I was definitely intimidated by the thirty foot jump since you have to jump out and make sure you clear some rocks.

I was so nervous going into the weekend. I really didn't want to mess up. I had hopes that maybe, just maybe I could be the best. I had no real reason to expect that I would be the best but I thought about it anyway. It really would have been cool to be the best. Hell it would have been cool to be one of the top ten, but I knew all of that was a pipe-dream. Hell I didn't even train for the event!